


I’m Sorry

by WonderfullyWonderingAlone59



Category: Queliot - Fandom, The Magicians
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Multi, Self Harm, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-13 05:45:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18025844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WonderfullyWonderingAlone59/pseuds/WonderfullyWonderingAlone59
Summary: Quentin’s depression creeps back in and he has a major setback. Eliot takes care of him.





	1. Chapter 1

“Bambi, I’m worried about him. He scares me when he gets this way.”

Eliot and Margo were watching Quentin sleep peacefully in Eliot’s bed. His depression had come lingering back the last few weeks. Slow at first, just little things. Now he was at the point where he refused to get out of bed. They stood in the doorway leaning against each other. 

“I know, El. But he’s gonna be ok. He’ll get through it, he always does. And we’re gonna be here for him.”

“It’s like he just works himself too hard for too long and says he’s ok but his sweet little brain can’t handle it. And then his demons come creeping back in...”

A few days later Eliot was trying his hardest to get Quentin out of bed. He had him pulled into his lap and was playing with his hair. 

“Think you can get up, Q? Let’s try, ok? You need to eat something better than crackers.”

Quentin shook his head and buried himself further in Eliot’s lap. 

“I don’t want to face anyone.”

“You don’t have to. I’ll send everyone away and we can have the place to ourselves for a few hours. How about that?”

He could see Quentin thinking it over then he shrugged. 

Eliot made it happen anyways and got Quentin downstairs to the kitchen and got him to eat a bowl of cereal. That was the only thing he would agree to eat. Eliot sat beside him with an arm around him, keeping him close. When Quentin was done eating he leaned into Eliot and laid his head on his shoulder. 

“Do you want to talk? Think you’re up for it? Tell me how you’re feeling.”

After a few moments of silence Quentin finally spoke. 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just don’t feel right. My head is fuzzy. I just kind of feel useless.”

“Q, you are anything but useless. You have to know this. You do so much and help so many people instead of yourself. You have to take some time for yourself too, you know. Self care.”

“I know, it’s just...I don’t know. I felt so good for so long but lately the dark part of my brain has been taking over and making me feel bad. Everything just feels heavy. I’m numb.”

“Ok, well...should we take you to your doctor and see what he suggests?”

“I don’t really feel like seeing him. I already have an appointment in a few weeks. I hate doctors. Especially my brain doctor.”

“Ok, but just please tell me if the dark part of your brain gets too bad and let me help you. Let me take some of that heaviness you’re feeling away.”

Eliot rubbed his arm and leaned in to kiss the top of his head. They sat in silence a little while longer and Eliot felt Quentin’s head drop a little. He looked down at him and saw that he was asleep. 

“Q, lets get you back upstairs so you can rest.”

Eliot helped him back to his bed and covered him up. 

The next few days were about the same. Quentin seemed a little better, letting Eliot feed him a bit more. Eliot was helping teach a chemistry class a few evenings a week and left Margo on Quentin duty.

“Ok Bambi, I’m headed out. I’ll be back in about 2 or 3 hours. Just keep an eye on Q for me. Love you.”

“Of course, El. Love you too.”

Margo was in her room picking her outfit for the next day when she thought she heard what sounded like crying. She stopped what she was doing and went to Eliot’s room. She knocked and let herself in. 

“Q? You ok, sweetie?” She walked to the bed where he was laying curled in a ball completely covered in the blankets. She leaned down and pulled the blankets away from his head. He was crying quietly and wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

“Oh, Q. What’s the matter? I’m here, sweetheart.”

She took him in her arms and rocked him, letting him cry. 

“I miss Eliot. My brain is just being really stupid and it won’t shut off.”

“Baby Eliot will be back in just a few hours. What can I do?”

“Nothing. Nobody can. It’s just...me.”

“But you aren’t alone, remember? We say this all the time.”

“I can’t feel anything, Margo.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know..it’s hard to explain. Nothing feels right. I just want it to end.”

This made Margo a little nervous. 

“You want what to end? What do you mean?”

“Nothing. I don’t know. I just want to feel normal.”

“I promise you are going to feel ok again soon. Want me to get you something to eat? I can go get my laptop and we can watch a movie together if you want. Are you hungry?”

Quentin shook his head. 

“Ok, well I’m still gonna get you something. I can’t let you starve. I’ll be right back ok? Just give me a few minutes. Just close your eyes and rest. And think about what movie we should watch!”

Margo went downstairs to try to find something to make for them to eat. 

Quentin tried to close his eyes but his brain wouldn’t shut up. He got up and went to the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. He hated what he saw looking back at him. He was so angry at himself for getting like this again. He slapped himself across the face a few times and yelled. Tears formed in his eyes then and he gripped the sink hard. He started going through the drawers looking for something sharp. He wanted to feel something. He wanted the numbness to go away. He found a small pocket knife in the back of one of the drawers. He hadn’t cut himself in a really long time. That’s how he ended up in the psych ward the first time when he was 16. It started as just some light cuts at first, nothing major. But then he got addicted to it and liked watching the blood come out when he cut. He always felt bad afterwards and would cry himself to sleep. He was trying to think of where he could make a cut small enough that nobody would notice. Eliot noticed everything on him so it would be difficult. He decided on the back of his thigh where some of his scars were. 

He took his pants off and stood looking in the mirror. Just one cut wouldn’t hurt, right? He could do just one and feel a little better and get back to bed before Margo got back. He contemplated for a few more minutes and then slowly made a small cut. He closed his eyes and focused on the pain. At least he was feeling something. It wasn’t a bad cut but it bled pretty good. He held it with a piece of toilet paper until it quit bleeding and then quickly put pants back on. 

He stared at himself in the mirror a little while longer and then ran the tip of the knife on his forearm. Not cutting, but just moving it light enough to feel it. Before he knew what was happening he was making a small cut. He couldn’t seem to stop himself. He knew he would hate himself for it soon but that wasn’t enough to stop him. The blood was running out and he covered it with his hand. 

He heard footsteps and then Margo’s voice saying something about not enough food in this house. 

“Q? You ok, sweetie?”

When he didn’t answer her she went to the bathroom door and knocked. 

“Q? I got us some food.”

She could hear him moving around like he was fumbling with something. 

“Q I’m opening the door.”

She pushed the door open.

“Margo, no. Go away.”

“Q what the fuck are you doing? Why do you have a knife?”

She looked down at his arm that he was covering with his hand. A little blood was coming out from under it. 

“Oh my god, Q!”

She lunged at him but he quickly turned from her.

“Margo, please. Just go. It’s fine. I’m fine.”

“Give me the fucking knife, Q. Now.”

He gripped it tighter and she could see that he wasn’t going to give it up. 

“Just leave me alone, please. It’s ok. I’ll clean it up and go back to bed.”

Margo couldn’t believe what she was seeing and hearing. 

“I said give me the fucking knife. Right now. This isn’t funny.”

Quentin backed up against the wall and held on to it so tight his knuckles were turning white.

Margo contemplated rushing at him and holding him down on the ground and taking it but she didn’t want to take a chance of him hurting himself more with it in the struggle. The only thing she could think to do was call Eliot since nobody else was home. 

She ran to the bed and got her phone and called Eliot. He didn’t answer so she hung up and kept calling over and over again, watching Quentin to make sure he was ok. She was shaking. She knew he wasn’t going to listen to her and that Eliot would be the only one to get through to him. When she hung up after trying again Eliot rang through. She quickly hit answer and could Eliot saying something about her blowing his phone up and being in the middle of class but she blurted out what was going on. Eliot hung up after hearing “Quentin”, “knife” and “blood” so she knew he would be here in just a few short minutes. 

She went back into the bathroom and found Quentin sitting on the floor. He had made another cut. She started crying.

“Q please don’t do this. Eliot is on his way and we love you so much. Talk to me. Do you want to talk about the Fillory books?”

Quentin shook his head and was crying hard now too.

“I’m so sorry, Margo. Please call Eliot back and tell him it was a misunderstanding and that I’m ok. Please.”

“I can’t do that, Q. You know that.” 

Margo just kept talking to try to keep his attention. In what seemed like no time at all Eliot was running up the steps at the speed of sound and bursted through the door. He saw Margo sitting on her knees in front of Quentin talking to him and occasionally reaching for him but he would pull back. He had a pocketknife in his hand. Where the hell did that thing even come from? He could see blood streaks on Quentin’s arm and he was covering the area with his hand. He was holding the knife in front of him like he would use it on Margo if he had to, his eyes were slightly closed. Eliot knew there was no way he would actually do it though. Or so he hoped. 

Eliot put a hand on Margo’s back and she got up slowly and backed up towards him. They swapped places. Eliot was out of breath. He knelt down in front of Quentin, but keeping his distance so he didn’t scare him. He rolled up his sleeves and moved his head and tried to look Quentin in his eyes. He was avoiding Eliot though and trying to hold back tears. 

“Quentin. Hey. Look at me. Please?”

Quentin squeezed his eyes shut. Eliot tried to see how bad his arm was but he couldn’t tell. 

“Q, baby? It’s ok, you’re ok. I’m gonna come closer. Just sit still.”

Quentin’s lip quivered and he looked at Eliot and couldn’t keep the tears back any longer. He was falling apart. 

“I’m so sorry, Eliot. Please don’t hate me. I...I...didn’t mean to. I just wanted to feel something. I was so numb. It was just supposed to be one but....I couldn’t stop.”

Eliot nodded and reached for Quentin but he flinched. 

“Ok, it’s ok. I won’t touch you yet, you’re not ready. Quentin look at me. How many cuts? How many did you make?”

Quentin looked down at his arm and realized he was shaking. He thought for a second.

“I don’t know. Three, I think. I didn’t mean to! I’m sorry!”

“Shh, shh. It’s ok. I know you didn’t baby.”

“I was doing so good for so long. I can’t even remember the last time I......I ruined it. My brain...”

He reached up and wiped his eyes with his sleeve and Eliot caught a glimpse of the two cuts on his forearm. They definitely needed stitches. He was trying to think of how to best handle this. He knew fast movements wasn’t the way to go. He didn’t want to scare him. He had to take this slow. 

“Q, I love you.”

Quentin choked on a sob. “I love you too. So much. I’m sorry.”

“Q, stop apologizing. It’s ok. I love you so much. I’m not mad at you. Look at me. It’s ok. Is it ok if I come closer?”

Quentin nodded and wiped his eyes again. 

Eliot stayed in kneeling position and moved forward. He was only about an arms length from Quentin now. He could grab the knife if he needed to but he didn’t want to take a chance yet. He reached his hands out slowly to Quentin and held them up.

“Baby, can I have the knife? Can we just get rid of it and get it out of the way? I’m not mad, ok? I just want you to give me the knife so I can look at your arm. I need to see how bad it is so I know what I need to do to take care of you. Can you do that? Can I see your arm?”

Quentin didn’t answer but just stared at him.

“I’m scared, El. I’m scared.”

“Don’t be scared, why are you scared? I’m right here.”

“Because they’re gonna try to put me away again, I know it. I fucked everything up. I ruined it. Fuck!”

Quentin’s hands were shaking and he brought them both up to his head and grabbed his hair. The blood was still running down his arm. Eliot knew magic couldn’t fix these cuts. They would have to take him to get stitched up. Eliot turned back to Margo and told her to call Dean Fogg. This was serious and he couldn’t live with himself if he didn’t do this the right way. He knew Quentin needed more help than he could give him. He needed a doctor. 

He turned back to Quentin and reached out and put his hand on his knee. He jerked at the touch. 

“It’s just me, baby. I’m right here. It’s going to be ok. I need you to give me the knife. Can you give it to me? Can you put it in my hand?” 

Quentin didn’t respond and kept digging into the sides of his head with his fingers. Eliot moved himself closer and rubbed Quentin’s arm. He slowly moved his hand up to Quentin’s hand that was holding the knife. Quentin looked at him, lips quivering. Eliot nodded and smiled at him. 

“Here, give me the knife, Q. It’s all going to be ok.” 

Quentin didn’t offer the knife to him but he didn’t stop him either. Eliot grabbed the blade that was covered in Quentin’s blood carefully. He slipped it out from his grip and tossed it up into the sink. He moved even closer to Quentin now and reached forward to grab him and pull him into his arms. Quentin cried hard into his chest. Eliot held him tight and rocked him. 

“Hey, it’s ok. You’re ok. I’m right here.”

He moved Quentin so that he was sitting in his lap and took his arm to examine it. He reached up and got a towel and wrapped it around his arm. 

“Baby, you said there were three cuts. I only see two. Where’s the other one? Quentin where is the other cut?”

Quentin lifted his leg and pointed at the back of his thigh. Eliot pulled his pants down enough so he could see and found it. It wasn’t bad at all. That one would be fine. Quentin kept apologizing and crying. Eliot kept pressure on his arm and whispered softly in his ear.

Dean Fogg came then with Margo and kneeled down on the floor to see better. Eliot had Quentin in his lap, his face buried into his chest and was stroking the back of his head with one hand and the other held a towel on his forearm. They were both covered in blood. They conversed back and forth, Eliot filling him in. Dean Fogg lifted the towel to get a look at his arm. Quentin looked at him and panicked. 

“No, no, no! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. I said I was sorry! Please don’t put me away, I don’t want to go back.”

Dean Fogg looked at Eliot questionably. Eliot whispered to him about the psych ward. Fogg knew about Quentin’s past, it was in his file. He knew this wasn’t the first time he’d hurt himself. 

Quentin continued flailing and crying and struggling to get away but Eliot held onto him for dear life. Dean Fogg pulled out a syringe from his jacket pocket and held it up. Eliot nodded and hugged Quentin tight and leaned him close to Fogg. He pulled the shoulder of Quentin’s shirt down and quickly stuck him. Quentin struggled harder and cried out. Eliot rubbed his back and whispered to him. 

“Shh, that’s it Q. You’re ok.”

Quentin was asleep in seconds. Eliot let out a long breath and cried. He had been holding it back but now that he knew Quentin was safe and asleep he couldn’t hold it in any longer. 

Dean Fogg stood and helped Eliot up. He was still clutching on to Quentin. 

“That was a strong sedative and will knock him out until tomorrow morning probably. Let’s get him to the infirmary and stitched up.”

Eliot nodded. He carried Quentin all the way to the infirmary with Dean Fogg and Margo. The doctors took him from his arms and laid him on a bed. They undressed him down to his boxers and put him in a hospital gown.

“He’s going to be scared when he wakes up. I have to be there when he wakes up.”

“Ok, let them stitch him up and then you can go be with him until he wakes up. He’ll have to talk to the psychiatrist alone though.”

Eliot nodded and watched them wheel Quentin away. Margo came to him and took his hand. 

“Come on, lets get you washed up.” She led him to a small wash room and helped him clean up. She had brought him a clean shirt and took the bloody one. 

About an hour later they were sitting in the waiting area in silence. Eliot had his head on Margo’s shoulder. The door opened and someone walked out towards them. They both sat up straight. 

“He’s all stitched up and resting peacefully. You can sit with him now.”

Eliot jumped up and let the guy show him to Quentin’s room. Margo followed behind them. When they reached Quentin’s room Eliot stopped and watched him, making sure he was still breathing. Margo touched his arm reassuringly. 

“He’s ok, El. Well, his body is. We’ll get his brain there. Hey is it ok if I go back home for awhile and shower and change. I know there’s no way you’re leaving his side until they force you out. I’ll stay if you need me...”

“No it’s fine. Go ahead. I’ll call you with updates.”

He kissed Margo and she left. Eliot moved a chair as close to Quentin’s side as possible. Quentin looked so fragile and weak. They had put Quentin’s wrists in restraints. Eliot took his hand and leaned forward so his head was right beside him and ended up falling asleep awhile later.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning Eliot woke to a knock on the door. A man walked in and introduced himself as Quentin’s psychiatrist, Dr. Smith.

“Yeah, hi. I know your name from Quentin but it’s nice to know your face too.”

“And you must be Eliot. I hear a lot about you. He loves you a lot.”

Eliot looked down at his hands and smiled. “I love him a lot too.”

Dr. Smith took the other chair and sat at the table in the room and laid a file down in front of him that must be Quentin’s. Eliot watched him closely. 

“He was doing great before this. Just the last few weeks he was feeling his depression symptoms more. Maybe I should’ve made him call you.”

“He’s stubborn. He probably wouldn’t have. How bad has it been?”

“Not bad at first. He was just moody. But then he stopped wanting to eat and wouldn’t get out of bed and slept all the time. I feel guilty now because he told me he felt numb. He wanted to feel something. I should’ve paid better attention to him, watched him more closely.”

“You couldn’t have known he would try this though. To my knowledge he hasn’t hurt himself in years.”

“Yeah. He hasn’t. I still can’t believe it. I’ve seen his scars but it never seemed real until now. I just want him to be ok. I’ve seen him through depressive episodes but they’ve never gone this far. I can’t lose him.”

“Don’t blame yourself. These things can be so unpredictable. I’ve only been seeing him every three months lately since he was doing well.”

“Does he have to have the restraints on? I mean, I’m here and you’re here.”

“It’s protocol. We have to be sure he won’t hurt himself again so he’s considered a danger to himself until I can see otherwise. It’s for own good right now, even though he won’t like it.”

Eliot nodded and took Quentin’s right hand. 

“What happens now?”

“Well, when he wakes up I’ll have to ask him some questions about why he hurt himself and see where his head is at and go from there. Probably adjust his medication. He’s going to be pissed about the restraints. That’s the one thing he always mentions about his past stays and that he never wanted to see them again. 

Eliot nodded and stroked Quentin’s forehead. 

“He still has nightmares about it. He’s going to freak out. How long will he have to stay?”

“That all depends on where his head is at. Since he hurt himself I have to automatically hold him for 72 hours for observation.”

“I don’t think he was trying to kill himself. When Margo found him he kept saying he just wanted to feel something.”

Dr. Smith nodded and got up and walked to Quentin’s other side and picked up his left wrist to examine his forearm. It was heavily bandaged. He ran his hand over it. 

“They said there were three. Two on his arm.”

“Back of his thigh. Where his old scars are. He was trying to hide it. It didn’t need stitches though.”

Dr. Smith left for awhile and Eliot stayed by Quentin’s side, stroking his hair. Dr. Smith came back in a half hour later and pulled his chair to be on Quentin’s other side. Eliot squeezed Quentin’s hand and kissed it. They sat in silence for awhile.

Eliot felt Quentin’s hand twitch. He looked up at his face.

“Q? His hand moved. I think he’s waking up.”

He started stroking the side of Quentin’s head softly. Dr. Smith sat forward. Quentin twitched some more and blinked his eyes but they stayed shut. He groaned a little and Eliot squeezed his hand. 

“It’s ok, baby. I’m right here.”

Quentin turned his head towards where Eliot’s voice was coming from and slowly blinked his eyes open. He took a deep breath but closed his eyes again. Then all at once he must’ve remembered what happened because he flinched hard, trying to get up. He sat up as best he could but Eliot put his hand on his chest and held him down. 

“Shh, Q it’s ok, just relax.”

He looked at Eliot and then down at his arms and tried to lift them but they were pulled back by the restraints. His heart was racing and he was panicking. He looked back and forth at each arm.

“No...no...nonononononono. No!”

Eliot quickly stood up and sat on the edge of the bed so he could reach him better. He held Quentin’s head in his hands and pushed their faces close, making Quentin look at him. 

“Hey! Hey, you’re ok. Look at me. Relax. Take a breath. Just...relax.”

Quentin couldn’t and was breathing fast and heavy, the panic settling in. He was making little cries with each breath. Eliot leaned forward and kissed his forehead. 

“Breathe Quentin, focus on me.”

Quentin eventually let out a deep shaky breath. Eliot kissed him then to distract him. It worked for a few seconds but then he was tugging on his restraints over and over again. 

“I can’t move my arms. Eliot...Eliot I can’t move my arms. Take them off, please take them off. I can’t...I can’t...I can’t. Take them off, I need them off, I-“ He started thrashing about and kicking his legs, knocking the blankets off. 

Eliot kissed his forehead and held his head tighter and then pulled him in for a hug.

“Baby they have to stay on for right now, ok? I can’t take them off. Please try to relax.”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. Please don’t let them take me away.” He sobbed into Eliot’s neck. They stayed that way for a long time. When they pulled away Eliot rested his hands on Quentin’s and rubbed them. 

“Nobody is taking you away, Q.” Eliot reached down to fix the blanket and cover him back up.

It was then Quentin noticed Dr. Smith standing off to his other side. He looked at him and scrunched his face up.

“Oh no. No, no, no. Why is he here? I said I didn’t mean to!”

Dr. Smith stepped forward then and leaned down to be at his level. 

“I have to be here, Quentin. Don’t panic. We’re gonna figure this out. I promise. I just have to evaluate you.” 

Quentin looked down at his arms again, his breathing picking up. Bad memories of being a teenager and being strapped down against his will, screaming for his dad to come get him. Eliot tilted his chin up to look at him. 

“Calm down. You’re ok.”

“How bad is it?”

“Fifteen stitches in your arm altogether. Your leg was fine.”

Dr. Smith sat down. “Are you ready to talk yet, Quentin? I need you to talk to me and tell me what happened and how you were feeling.”

Eliot stood up then. “I’ll step out so you can do it. I’m not allowed to be here during it, right?”

Dr. Smith nodded. “Yeah, I’ll come get you when we’re done. I need to see his reaction and answers without you here.”

Quentin reached to grab Eliot’s hand but couldn’t. “No, please don’t go! I need you. I-“

“It’s ok, baby. I’m gonna be right outside. Just talk to the doctor and be honest. I love you.” He kissed his head and left the room.

Quentin watched him walk out and began crying when the door closed. He looked down and tried to hold himself together. Dr. Smith rubbed his shoulder and gave him a moment. His breathing evened out a little at a time. 

“I wasn’t trying to kill myself, I swear. I was just tired of not being able to feel anything all week and I-I-I just wanted to feel SOMETHING. Ok? I had a moment of weakness and I hated myself so much in that moment for letting myself get this way again. It’s all my fault that I have to be so weak. I fucking hate depression. I hate it so fucking much. Why can’t I just be normal and happy? I hate my fucking brain!”

“Ok, relax Quentin. Don’t get all worked up. You’re not weak and it’s not your fault. You have a chemical imbalance.”

“But I was doing so well.”

“The medication isn’t a cure all, Quentin. You can still have symptom flare ups.”

“I don’t want symptom flare ups! I want to be normal.”

“Ok, ok. Talk to me about the days leading up to now. How were you feeling?”

“I don’t know. Exhausted. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to face anyone. I still don’t.”

“And you’ve still been taking your medication daily?”

Yes. I mean...there’s days I forget sometimes but I never go for a long period of time without them. I just want to go home. I swear I didn’t try to kill myself. Please can I go home? I’ll do better.”

“Quentin you have to stay for at least 72 hours. I’ll evaluate you again then and see if you’re fit to go home.”

Quentin slammed his head back into the pillow. All he wanted to do was cover his face up but he couldn’t. 

“Fuck! Why did I let this happen? Please let me go home. I promise I’ll be fine. Can you take these things off? I promise I won’t run and I’m not going to hurt myself.”

“You know I can’t do that. It’s the rules. You need to be observed.”

“I can’t be observed without them? God dammit! I can’t do this. Fuck. Fuck!!”

“Ok just relax-“

“Stop talking! Please stop talking! Shitshitshitshitshit!”

Quentin tugged at his restraints and kicked his legs until the blanket was on the floor and let out a groan of frustration. Dr. Smith patted his leg and put the blanket back on him but he was already kicking it back off. 

“Ok, I’m gonna leave for a bit and let you calm down. We’ll talk later.”

Dr. Smith met Eliot out in the hallway. Eliot stood to meet him. 

“How’d he do?”

“He was ok at first. He feels guilty and is a big ball of emotions. His mood changed when we talked about him having to stay for 72 hours. He’s extremely agitated right now so I stepped out to let him cool down. I’ll be back by later to check on him and try again then or maybe tomorrow. I think you’re going to be the only one to get him to settle down.”

Eliot took a deep breath and thanked him. He walked back into Quentin’s room. Quentin had slid down the bed and was at an odd angle and tugging on his restraints so hard that his face was red. Eliot rushed to him and took his wrists to hold them still. 

“Q, baby please stop. You’re going to rip your stitches open. Pulling on them isn’t going to get them off.”

Quentin stilled for a second, resting, but then began again. Eliot sighed and pushed his legs back up onto the bed and fixed the blankets. He sat on the edge of the bed and put his hands under Quentin’s armpits and straightened him up in the bed. Quentin huffed and kicked once more for good measure. 

“Eliot please, I can’t stay here for three days. You don’t understand, I can’t. Please take me home.”

“You know that’s not up to me, Q. If I could I would but this is beyond me. This is serious and we have to make sure you’re ok.”

“I’m fine, Eliot. I had a moment of weakness, that’s all. I let my demons take over and they won. But I wasn’t trying to kill myself, I swear. I wish you all would believe me. I just want to go home and sleep in my own bed. I can’t stay here, there’s too many bad memories, I’ll go crazy.”

Eliot cupped his cheek. 

“This isn’t going to be like last time. That was a long time ago and a different facility and I’m here now. You just have to ride this out and cooperate with your doctors, do what they tell you. You’ll be home soon enough.”

A nurse came in then with a tray of food and set it down on the table beside his bed and wheeled it close to him. 

“How are you feeling, Mr. Coldwater? Can I check your vitals?”

Quentin rolled his eyes and let his head fall back against his pillow. Eliot smacked him on the knee and raised his eyebrows. 

“Sorry, he’s grumpy. Go ahead.”

She did and recorded the numbers on a notepad and then lifted up his arm to check his bandage. 

“Ok, looks good. Here’s breakfast, I know it doesn’t look good but its important to eat, ok? Are you able to help him eat since he can’t...you know.”

Eliot looked down at Quentin’s restrained wrists. “Oh, yeah. I’ll help him.”

“Ok, I’ll be back in a little while to pick it up.”

Eliot took the top off the tray to reveal some eggs and toast and some yogurt. He also had juice and water. Quentin looked at it and pushed it away. Eliot pulled it back and put some eggs on the fork for him and held it up to his mouth. Quentin turned his head away. 

“Q, come on. You have to eat something.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Can you just eat it anyways? If not the eggs then at least eat the toast and yogurt.”

“I don’t want it. I said I’m not hungry.”

Eliot held the juice cup with a straw to his mouth and he drank that in about 3 big sips.

“Ok, not hungry but you’re definitely thirsty, huh? You should’ve told me. Here drink your water too.”

He put it to his mouth and he gulped it down. Eliot thought he would be sneaky and quickly spooned some yogurt into his mouth. Quentin pulled away and Eliot laughed. 

“Swallow it. You’re not spitting it out.”

Quentin did. “Eliot...you’re not funny.”

“I thought it was funny. You didn’t see it coming.”

He tried to give him another bite but he refused. 

“I don’t want any!”

“So stubborn, Q. Fine. I’m not giving up though, we’ll try again later. You have to eat.”

Eliot went out into the hallway to call Margo and update her. She had classes this morning and was willing to skip them to come but he wouldn’t let her, telling her there was nothing she could do anyways since they were just waiting. When he came back to Quentin’s room Quentin was tugging on his restraints again, trying to get them off, harder this time. 

“Jesus, Q, I leave for 5 minutes...what the hell? Stop. Stop!” He held Quentin’s wrists still. 

“Quentin look at me. You’re panicking. You have to stop fighting. They’re not coming off, give it up before you rip your stitches. Please.” 

The door opened and Dr. Smith came in carrying a little cup. Quentin groaned and kept pulling. 

“How are we doing?”

Quentin kicked his feet, sending the blanket down to the ground again. “Just leave! You don’t believe me so just leave!”

“Ah, still agitated I see.”

Eliot looked down at the blanket on the floor. “I give up on the blanket.”

Quentin continued tugging and pulling. Dr. Smith came closer.

“You know those things can be tightened if needed...you need to settle down.” 

Quentin went about thrashing around. Dr. Smith walked around the bed to his bandaged arm and reached down and tightened that wrist so it could barely be lifted off the bed. This caused more panic and Quentin started crying.

“Now we don’t have to worry about you ripping your stitches open. I’m sorry to do that, Quentin but we can’t take any chances. I have your medicine. Can I give it to you?”

Quentin was too upset and crying to answer him. Eliot did the only thing he could and went and crawled into the bed with him. He positioned himself so he could put his arms around Quentin and hold him against his chest. 

“Shh, shh. Relax.....just relax.”

After awhile when Quentin stopped fighting and settled down, Eliot reached his hand out for the cup of pills. Dr. Smith handed them to him and a glass of water. Eliot took out the two pills and put them to Quentin’s mouth. He opened his mouth slightly and let Eliot put them in. Eliot put the water to his mouth next and watched him drink. Eliot held him close and they sat there in silence for a little bit, Quentin’s eyes were getting heavy. Eliot watched him and kissed his head. 

“You wore yourself out, baby.”

Quentin sighed and nuzzled his face closer to Eliot and closed his eyes. He took the bottom corner of Eliot’s shirt in his right hand and rubbed it between his fingers. Dr. Smith picked the blanket up and put it over them. 

“You’re good with him. Very patient, which is what he needs. I’m glad he found you. You have a way with him that nobody else does. I’ve never seen him this calm before.”

Eliot smiled. “Thanks.”

Dr. Smith nodded towards Eliot’s shirt in Quentin’s hand that he was still rubbing between his fingers. “Does he do that often?”

Eliot looked down. “Oh...yeah. All the time. Especially when he’s anxious or upset.”

“It’s a soothing technique. He calms himself down with it.”

“That makes so much sense.” They both watched as Quentin soothed himself to sleep in Eliot’s arms, his fingers stopping rubbing. 

”I’ll come back later this afternoon and see if he’s ready to talk again. Maybe after a nap he’ll feel better.” 

Eliot ended up falling asleep with him. He woke to the nurse coming in to take Quentin’s breakfast tray. 

“Not hungry?”

“No. He’s a picky eater. He’s more of a finger foods guy. You know, chicken nuggets and french fries. He’s a small man child.”

She laughed and picked up the tray. “I’ll see what I can get him for lunch.”

Quentin slept for 3 hours, not even waking when doctors and the nurse came in to check his vitals or change his bandage. The nurse came in with a lunch tray for him. 

“Still out, huh?”

“Yeah...I should probably wake him up. He should eat.”

Eliot kissed his head and rubbed his shoulder trying to wake him. He didn’t budge so Eliot tickled his side and that worked. Quentin opened one eye and looked around, confused. He stretched as best he could with not being able to move his wrists very far. The nurse stepped forward and pushed the table to him and took the top of the tray off. 

“I couldn’t get chicken nuggets but I got chicken strips!”

Eliot looked at Quentin and saw his eyes go wide. He reached for a chicken strip but couldn’t reach it so Eliot picked it up and held it to his mouth and he took a bite. 

“I knew you were hungry.”

Quentin finished all of the chicken on his plate but refused anything else. Eliot was just satisfied that he ate anything at all. They sat for awhile, Eliot trying to distract Quentin with boring tv shows, anything to pass the time and make this easier for him. He dozed off and on a little bit. This time jolting awake in a panic. Eliot tightened his grip on him.

“Hey, hey. You’re ok.”

Quentin looked around the room like he has forgotten where he was. Quentin pulled at the restraints and groaned. 

“I know, Q. Just a little longer, ok? This will be over soon. Do you want to talk about anything? You know I’m a good listener. Can I tell you something? You really scared me. Seeing you like that was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. I know you say that you weren’t trying to kill yourself, and...I believe you...but just the thought of everything going a different way...”

“El, I’m not going anywhere. I made a stupid mistake. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you had to see me like that...like this. I never wanted this.” 

They kissed as best they could. Both of them being in the bed wasn’t the most comfortable thing with Quentin being tied down but it was still perfect. Quentin spent the rest of the afternoon extremely restless and somewhat agitated. He was going stir crazy. Eliot had gotten up and called Margo again with updates, which wasn’t much. When he went back to Quentin’s side he saw that Quentin was fidgeting with the tv remote and bouncing his leg up and down. 

“Anxious about something?” Quentin’s leg stilled.

“What? Oh..I don’t know..I can’t stop....and I keep thinking about the doctors here and what if they don’t let me go home and I’m stuck here and I can’t Eliot, I can’t! What if-“

“Shhh. You’re overthinking. Stop overthinking. You’re just restless and bored and letting yourself worry about the future. Just relax and turn that poor overworked brain of yours off for a little bit, ok?”

“Do you have a switch for that because I can’t EVER turn my brain off.”

“Ok, you just need to relax and focus on something else.” Eliot took the remote and turned it to a music channel. “Here. Let the music drown out your thoughts.”

Quentin looked at the tv for a minute and then started moving around restlessly. 

“It’s not working, I can’t. What if I-“

“Alright Q, shhh. Enough.” Eliot climbed back into the bed with him and positioned himself to where he could lay on his side and face Quentin. He did a quick spell to lock the door. 

“What are you doing?”

“Shh. Getting you to relax. You can’t do it so you need my help.” Eliot kissed Quentin softly. He moved down to nibble on his ear and neck, Quentin squirming. He placed his hand on the side of Quentin’s neck and ran his thumb across his jawline and then moved his hand slowly down Quentin’s chest and stomach. He pulled the blanket up from Quentin’s lap up enough so his hand could settle between his legs. Quentin only had boxers on under his hospital gown so he didn’t have to move much clothing. He let his hand stop on top of Quentin’s boxers and gave a gentle squeeze. Quentin inhaled sharply while he began rubbing him.

“What are you doing? What if someone-“

Eliot slipped his hand down into Quentin’s boxers this time and rubbed him skin to skin. Quentin’s eyes rolled into the back of his head. Eliot’s hand could always melt him and make him do anything.

“Is this ok? Do you want me to stop?”

Quentin bit his lower lip and released a little whine. “Don’t stop.”

Eliot moved his hand down to cup Quentin’s balls and then moved back up to stroke him. After a few strokes Quentin’s cock was slowly coming to life. Eliot worked him up to fully hard. He smiled at Quentin. 

“Mmm, good boy. That’s how I like you. Hard as a rock.”

He picked up the pace now and steadily jerked Quentin’s cock. After awhile he gripped him at the base with his left hand and used his right hand to massage the head of Quentin’s cock in circles. This was a move that always sent Quentin out of his mind. He stilled completely under Eliot’s hands and relaxed completely. He looked at Eliot like he was going to cry. 

“Fuck. That...feels...so good.”

“I know baby.” Eliot kept this up for a few minutes. He kissed him and watched him start to close his eyes. 

He jerked Quentin some more, slow at first but then speeding up as fast as his hand would move, which was pretty damn fast. Quentin’s head came up off the pillow then, eyes flying open. His breath turned into fast gasps and he gripped both sides of the mattress with his fists. 

“Shit..I...oh fuck..Eliot..Ahhhh...Eliot...I can’t hold on...any longer...I’m gonna...ahhh...I need to-“

“Let it out, baby. Let it all out.”

That was all it took and Quentin was sent over the edge of orgasm, his mouth falling open and every muscle in his body seemed to tense up and he stilled completely. He was shooting spurts that seemed like they were never going to end. Finally after the last spasm he fell back hard against his pillow, panting. Eliot did a spell to clean Quentin and his blanket up and then his hand. 

He sat up better and pulled Quentin’s head to rest on his chest. He rubbed the top of his back soothingly and rocked back and forth. Quentin squeezed the top of Eliot’s leg weakly.

“That’s it. You’re relaxed now, see? You just needed some help getting there. Do you feel a little better now?” 

Quentin finally nodded. He couldn’t talk. He felt like he just ran 5 miles. He took a deep breath and let all of his weight fall into Eliot. Before he knew it he was falling asleep.

Dr. Smith came in around 4:00. Eliot greeted him. 

“Is he having a better day now?”

“Yeah, he’s been sleeping on and off all day. He did eat lunch though.”

“That’s great. He looks more relaxed.”

Quentin woke up then. Eliot kissed him and patted him on the back and got up. 

“Talk to the doctor, babe. I’m gonna be right outside.”

Dr. Smith pulled up a chair and sat down. He didn’t say anything this time, trying not to agitate him. He decided to let Quentin steer the conversation this time so he let him sit quietly and wake up a little more. Quentin yawned and stretched. He glanced down at his wrists and gave a pull. 

“Can I please get these things off now?”

“We can certainly talk about it. Tell me about how you’re feeling, Quentin.”

Quentin stared at his legs.   
“I don’t know. I mostly just feel bad for hurting Eliot, letting him see me like this. He’s so good to me and he doesn’t deserve this. I scared him. And Margo. And myself, I guess.”

“Have you had any thoughts of harming yourself while you’ve been here?”

“No. I never had thoughts of harming myself at home either. It just...happened. Like I snapped or something. I felt numb all over and I was dealing with it fine but when I was looking in the mirror I was alone and just snapped and was desperate to feel something.”

“Do you think you’re safe to be alone right now? Do you feel like you could be at home and alone with your own thoughts and not harm yourself?”

Quentin thought for awhile and Dr. Smith watched him closely. Quentin fidgeted with his blanket. 

“Yeah.”

“Are you just saying that because you want to go home?”

“No. I mean, I do want to go home, but...

“If I took those restraints off of you would you try to hurt yourself? You have a lot of stitches, you know. Would you be able to take care of them and not cut any more? It might be too hard for you to look at them and fight off the urge to do more if you were feeling bad enough.”

“I didn’t even know the knife was in there honestly. I don’t feel any desire to cut more. I haven’t in years. This was just a moment of weakness. I hit a low point.”

“Do you feel comfortable asking your friends for help if you hit a low point?”

Quentin thought. “Yes.”

“Then why didn’t you?”

“I-I don’t know, ok? It just kind of all happened so fucking fast.”

“Do you feel like you need supervision?”

“No.”

“How depressed do you feel right now?”

Quentin shrugged. “I don’t know. I feel better than I did a few days ago. My head feels clearer. Eliot helps me.”

“But Eliot can’t always be there, right? What if you hit a low point like this time and he’s not home? That’s what happened this time.”

“I know! I should’ve said something to Margo. I should’ve called Eliot and told him how I was feeling!” Quentin balled up his fists.

“Ok, calm down. How about this? I’m gonna make a deal with you. You have been doing well for the last few years and I want you to stay that way. Unfortunately with this bump in the road we’re not going to be able to go back to how things were. So, I’m going to increase your medication and you have to come see me every day for two weeks. If all goes well after two weeks then we can do once a week, then once a month and then so on. And I’ll take your restraints off today but you have to show me that for the next two days I can trust you to stay here and keep eating your meals. You legally can’t leave for two more days anyway and you’re in a locked ward, but you catch my drift.”

Quentin nodded. “Ok. Deal.”

“And if you start feeling bad you have to talk to someone. I don’t care who it is. You can even call me.”

“I know, I know. Ok.”

Quentin held his wrists up.

“Give me a minute, I’m going to go out and run all this by Eliot and call Dean Fogg so they know what to expect.”

Quentin gave him a death glare. 

“I know...five minutes! You can hang in for five more minutes.”

Dr. Smith found Eliot and filled him in. Eliot promised he would be not be letting Quentin out of his sight anytime soon, but if he did have to part ways with him for awhile he would be leaving him in the care of someone else. 

Quentin sat there for what felt like an hour. It was only about five minutes but they went by slow as hell. Eliot and Dr. Smith came in the room, Eliot gave him a big smile. Dr. Smith undid his restraints and Quentin jumped up and off the bed. He’d never been so happy to be able to stand up. He stood looking back and forth between Eliot and Dr. Smith before finally running to Eliot, who wrapped him up in a big long hug. When they pulled away Quentin looked down at himself. 

“Um...would I be able to wear normal clothes now?”

Eliot laughed and looked at Dr. Smith who nodded. Eliot ran his hand up and down Quentin’s arm. 

“I’ll have Margo bring you some.”

 

The next two days felt like four to Quentin. Time seemed to slow way down. Eliot never left his side and made sure he ate. They walked the halls together and laid around watching trash tv and slept a lot. When the day came that Quentin was allowed to leave he could hardly sit still. 

“It’s hard to believe that just a few short days ago I couldn’t get you out of bed and here you are bouncing off the walls. Would you sit down?”

“I don’t know...something clicked in my brain I guess.”

“Well I’m glad it did.”

A doctor came in to check Quentin’s stitches and change his bandage one more time before releasing him. Dr. Smith came in after that and signed the necessary paperwork saying Quentin was able to go home. He reminded him of their deal and to make sure he kept taking his medication at the same time everyday. Eliot put his arm around Quentin.

“Oh he will even if I have to force it down him.”


	3. Chapter 3

When they returned home, Quentin went straight to the bar and poured a drink and gulped it down and was pouring another one. Eliot came to him and put his hand on the glass to keep him from drinking it. 

“I really don’t think you should be drinking right now, Q. Alcohol and antidepressants don’t go well together. I know you’ve always drank in the past but since your medication increased I think you should take it easy until you know you aren’t going to have any problems with it. Ok? Maybe that was part of the problem before. It’s a downer and makes you feel worse.”

“Maybe. Can I just have one more? It’s been a rough few days.”

Eliot stroked his cheek and kissed him.

“One more. Then you’re cut off.”

Quentin finished his drink and looked around nervously. 

“What do you want to do?”

“I kind of want to lay down. I’m tired.”

“Ok, lets do that.”

“You’re coming with me? It’s like 2pm.”

“Yes. I’m not leaving you alone right now. Come on.”

He reached for Quentin’s hand and led him up the stairs to his bedroom. When they reached Eliot’s room he made the room dark and they got comfortable in the bed. They both laid on their sides facing each other. Eliot had one hand under his head and the other wrapped around Quentin rubbing his back. He couldn’t help but notice how sad Quentin looked.

“Talk to me. What’s floating around in that head of yours?”

“Nothing really. Just kind of feels like the last few days were a dream. I am sorry, you know. I hate that I did this and to you. I feel terrible.”

“Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. I just want you to be ok. I want you to know you can always talk to me about anything. Even if I don’t understand it or what you’re going through, I still want you to talk to me. Don’t shut down on me.”

“Ok. I’ll try.”

“Do you want to talk about that night? I wish I would’ve been there to help you

“I don’t really want to talk about it, El.”

“Ok. We don’t have to.”

Quentin started silently crying then. Eliot pulled him in closer. 

“Hey what is it?”

“Nothing.”

“Q, talk to me..”

“I don’t want to.”

Quentin grabbed Eliot’s shirt and pulled him in for a kiss. Eliot leaned in to meet him. Quentin kissed him with so much need. He slipped his hands under Eliot’s shirt and turned to lay on his back, pulling Eliot on top of him. Eliot cupped the side of Quentin’s face and pushed his tongue into his mouth. He ran his hand down Quentin’s side and gripped the outside of his thigh, lifting it up and pushed himself to rub against Quentin’s cock. Quentin moaned into Eliot’s mouth and dug his nails into his back. Eliot turned Quentin’s head to the side so he could kiss his neck, pushing two fingers in and out of his mouth to keep his mouth occupied. 

Quentin sucked on them, stopping only when Eliot bit into his neck. He stopped briefly to take both their shirts off, running his hands all over Quentin’s chest and stomach. He never got over how fucking beautiful Quentin was. He reached down and undid Quentin’s belt, button and zipper and slipped his hand down into his boxers and getting a grip on his cock. Quentin moaned and tried to fumble Eliot’s pants open too but couldn’t. Eliot smiled at him and did it himself. 

Quentin reached into Eliot’s pants and pulled his cock out and jerking it. Eliot sat up and pulled Quentin’s pants down and off and then his own. He took in the entirety of Quentin’s body and bit his lip. He kissed him again before sliding down to give him a few jerks and take him into his mouth. Quentin whined and pushed his hips forward. Eliot held him down and worked his mouth all around him. 

When he pulled off, Quentin’s cock began leaking and he used his finger to swipe it off. He pushed Quentin’s legs apart and used his slick finger to massage his opening, watching Quentin squirm at the touch. He moved slowly down to his perineum and pushed firmly on it, massaging his prostate. Quentin whined and gripped both sides of the sheet under him. 

“Fuck....fuck....Eliot. Eliot. Eliot.”

“What baby?”

“I need you to...ahh...I need...”

“What do you need baby?”

“I need you...inside me...now...fuck...ohhhh...”

Eliot kissed him hard and then reached over to pull out some lube. He put some on his fingers and inserted one into Quentin slowly. Quentin squirmed under him and moaned. 

“Mmm...more...more Eliot...please.”

“Just be patient, my love.”

Eliot moved his finger in and out of Quentin and then worked in a second one. Quentin moved his hips in circles trying to get more. Eliot reached up with his other hand and jerked Quentin’s cock slowly, just enough to distract him so he could work him open some more. He added a third finger and Quentin cried out.

“Eliot! Please...just do it. Come on. Mmmm......please get in me.”

Eliot kissed the inside of Quentin’s thigh softly. Quentin was moaning and squirming so bad now, he couldn’t take it any longer. Eliot pulled his fingers out and applied some lube to himself and leaned forward to line himself up with Quentin’s entrance. He carefully pushed the head of his cock in, gripping both of Quentin’s legs and forcing himself to stop from pushing in the rest of the way in to make sure Quentin was ok.

“Fuck, Q. You’re so fucking tight. How are you always so fucking tight? It’s only been like a week since we had sex but you feel like you’ve never been fucked before.”

Quentin was panting and trying to push himself down onto Eliot. 

“Careful, Q. Slow down.” 

He leaned down to kiss him and then pushed himself in a little more. Quentin bit Eliot’s lip.

“Fuck, sorry. That feels...fuck...so good.”

Eliot kissed him some more and then pushed the rest of the way in. Quentin wrapped his legs around Eliot’s waist. Eliot presses their foreheads together and grabbed onto the outside of Quentin’s leg and started thrusting slow at first but then it got to be too much for them, Eliot knew neither of them would be able to last long. He kept up the slow thrusts, each one sending a jolt of pure pleasure through both of them. 

Quentin couldn’t open his eyes and was making the hottest little moaning sounds Eliot had ever heard. He loved knowing he was the cause of those sounds. He took his hand and reached between Quentin’s legs to stroke him. It was almost unbearable for Quentin. 

He tightened his legs around Eliot and whined. Eliot knew he was close. He moved both hands up to slide under Quentin’s head and neck, cradling him and wanting to hold him as close as possible. He picked up his pace then, thrusting as fast as he could. He kissed Quentin once but the pleasure was too much and they couldn’t hold their lips together. He leaned down and rested his head in Quentin’s neck. He could feel Quentin’s cock rubbing against his stomach with each thrust. 

Eliot wanted to get Quentin off first and kissed down Quentin’s neck. That was it for him and he screamed Eliot’s name as he came. When his orgasm was done his body went limp but his legs stayed wrapped around Eliot. Eliot gave a few more quick thrusts and then was shooting his own orgasm into Quentin. When he was down he leaned down to kiss Quentin as he slowly pulled out of him.

Eliot collapsed down beside Quentin and they both laid there in silence for a few minutes catching their breath. Eliot eventually rolled onto his side to face Quentin and did a spell to clean them up. He reached up to tuck some of Quentin’s hair behind his ear. 

“You ok?”

“Yeah..Shit. I needed that.”

“I think we both did.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eliot and Quentin have a conversation about feelings

Over the next two weeks Quentin continued his therapy sessions with Dr. Smith even though he hated it. They kind of exhausted him if he was honest. Talking about his feelings always took a lot out of him. 

Eliot kept him under lock and key and never let him out of his sight for more than what was necessary. Quentin was thankful to have him but it was ready for things to be back to normal. Whatever normal was...

Whenever he seemed to be in a bad mood Eliot was right there. It was all fine but when Eliot wanted him to talk about how he was feeling he always shut down a little. It was hard enough talking to the doctor everyday. Eliot never pressed him but let him know he was there. 

Eliot came up behind Quentin who was standing in his room looking out the window and wrapped his arms around him. 

“What’s up, darling?”

“Huh? Nothing.”

“Really? Nothing? You look deep in thought. Anything I can do?”

“No. Thanks though. I’m just tired I guess. Kind of spacey today.”

“Ok. Do you want to talk?”

Eliot swept Quentin’s hair off to one side and ran his fingers through it, massaging him. Quentin leaned back into him.

“No not really.”

“Are you sure? You seem sad. Talk to me.”

Quentin turned around to face him and pulled Eliot down so he could reach him to kiss him. He gave him a long, deep, wanting kiss. They pulled away for a second but Quentin quickly wrapped his arms around Eliot’s waist and began kissing him more and trying to unbutton his shirt. Eliot let him and ran his hands down Quentin’s back and pushed his hand up the back of his shirt, feeling the warmth of his skin. Quentin had Eliot’s shirt open and was going for his pants next. He palmed at Eliot’s crotch and undid his belt. Eliot’s hands found their way to the back of Quentin’s neck and pulled him closer. He could feel Quentin’s erection poking his leg. Quentin was making adorable little sounds into his mouth, full of need. Eliot was melting under his touch and wanted to push him down on the bed...but he grabbed Quentin’s wrists and held them still. Quentin pulled away, looking up at him, confused.

Eliot pulled him to the bed and sat him down and then sat beside him, facing him. Quentin immediately tried to hop on Eliot’s lap and devour him but Eliot stopped him. 

“Baby, as much as I love how much your sex drive has increased and all the sex we’ve been having the last few weeks and as much as I am absolutely dying to get you naked and ravish your body, hear me out first. I can’t help but notice that every time I bring up what happened and talk to you about how you’re feeling, you get antsy and distract me with sex. And it’s great sex. Like, holy shit! But...I just want to make sure you’re really ok and I don’t want you to drown out your bad feelings with sex and try to ignore them like they’re not there. So...this is really hard...but before we go any further, lets have a conversation first. Tell me what’s floating around in that adorable little head of yours.”

Quentin scrunched his face up and rubbed his hard cock straining under his jeans. Eliot watched him and took his hand and kissed it. 

“I don’t know, El. You’re right. I guess I have been distracting you. But not just to shut you up or anything. I have been way more hornier lately. I just....I want to forget everything that happened and I want everything to go back to normal. I just feel weird. I’m still embarrassed about it all. Sex makes me feel better and I can forget about it for a little while.”

Eliot reached up and cupped his cheek. 

“Everything will get back to normal in time, don’t rush it. I just don’t want you to associate sex with shoving your feelings down. It won’t fix it. It’s special and it’s ours and I want your mind to be relaxed and in a happy state when we do it, not just when you’re trying to escape. I love you so much and I want to see you happy again and I will do everything in my power to make that happen. So is that why you’re sad today? You miss normality?”

Quentin nodded and ran his hand through his hair. 

“Ok. See? You just had to tell me. I want to hear from you. The good and the bad.” 

Eliot wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him down to kiss his head. Quentin palmed at his crotch again uncomfortably and grunted. 

“El, I love sitting here like this with you and all...but if I don’t get your hand on my dick and get some relief soon I’m going to die.”

Eliot laughed and reached over to unbutton Quentin’s jeans and take the zipper down. He reached down and tugged at the waistband of his boxers, letting his cock bounce out. Quentin gasped in relief. 

Eliot smirked. “Well hello there. Someone’s ready to play.” 

He pinched the tip of Quentin’s cock with his thumb and index finger gently and rubbed. Quentin’s mouth fell open and he released a small whine. 

“Fuck. Fuck.”

“Mmhmm.” Eliot nodded and closed the space between them and kissed Quentin, his hand moving further down to get a hold of all of him. Quentin’s breath hitched and he moaned into Eliot’s mouth. Eliot bit his lip and then started kissing down his neck. He pushed Quentin down onto the bed and took his pants all the way off, followed by his shirt. Then he stood and did the same to himself.

He climbed on top of Quentin and kissed his chest, swirling his tongue around his nipples. He ran his hand down Quentin’s thigh and then between his legs pushing them apart more. He stroked Quentin’s erection slowly at first and then working up to a faster speed. Quentin pushed himself into Eliot’s hand as far as he could go, trying to get all the friction he could. Eliot read his body language. He knew just how much pressure Quentin liked when being jerked off and squeezed his fist around him harder. Quentin bit his lip and moaned. 

“Fuck. Yes. Mmmm...”

Eliot set a rhythm of fast jerks and then would stop for about 30 seconds and just squeeze gently and just kiss him. When he stopped Quentin would cry out jerk his hips up to try to get more. They did this for awhile until Quentin was squirming non-stop beneath him. Eliot let go of him and fisted his own cock for a bit. Quentin sat up to watch and when he couldn’t take anymore he grabbed Eliot’s face and pulled him down on top of him. He reached for Eliot’s cock and stoked him while Eliot worked on his ear and neck. Quentin tried to pull Eliot’s cock up to his ass to push him in but Eliot stopped him. 

“Whoa there, baby. A little eager, are we?”

Quentin whined and tried again.  
“Please, El. I need to feel you. Please fuck me.”

“Ok, ok. Settle down.”

Eliot reached over to the dresser beside the bed and got out some lube and slicked his fingers up. Quentin watched him eagerly, spreading his legs farther apart. Eliot brought his fingers to Quentin’s opening and massaged him for a few seconds before pushing a finger inside. Quentin gasped loudly and pushed his hips down. Eliot slid another finger in and took his time working him open. He pushed one more finger in quickly and then pulled out when Quentin started digging his nails into his back and moaning in frustration.

“Shh, shhh. Ok, ok.”

Eliot slicked himself up a bit and then pushed into Quentin slowly, feeling Quentin clench up around him. Quentin cried out and stilled so Eliot stopped.

“Ok, just relax. You ok?”

Quentin laid there with his eyes closed for a few seconds and then nodded and pushed Eliot’s lower back to make him go in deeper. When he was in all the way they both gasped and stared at each other. 

Eliot leaned down and took Quentin’s lips and kissed him before working up to a good pace for the both of them. 

It didn’t take long before they were both coming and out of breath. Eliot pulled out and collapsed beside Quentin, reaching for him to come to him and cuddle. Quentin sleepily moved to settle his head on Eliot’s chest and was asleep almost instantly. Eliot played with his hair and rubbed his back softly until he fell asleep as well.


End file.
